Book Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

I'd heard about this book and the criticisms in the United States. Funnily enough, it is my own mother who asked me to read it, and kept following up with me until I bought it.
I think it is a brave and honest book and that Amy Chua brought to light an important aspect in comparing different cultures. I often pondered over some of these things and can relate very easily to some of the differences between Asian and Western cultures. While it has not personally been so in my case, I can totally relate to parents always wanting their children to be first in class, and pushing them into competitions, driving them to success.
When I read the first two chapters, I said to myself 'OMG, I would hate a mom like that'; but as I read more into the book, I understand that she worked as hard or even harder to perfect her children in their music. I mean, who can write practice notes like that (while working, handling 2 kids and 2 dogs??). Although Amy clearly went overboard with her children (practising when sick and during vacations?!?) and probably took away from their childhood, she instilled the value of excellence in them. And it is hard to do that, to be tough and disliked and taunted and still do it. Amy is one super tough woman. When she says in her post-script that it is self-incriminating, I totally agree. Right from the start of the book, she does make herself sound like a tyrant and surely she must have left out at least some of the soft, funny, loving moments. Her admission of realizing that she cannot and should not have pushed Lulu is straight from the heart. Admittedly, she is a control freak,and could have gone easy on the kids many times. While I do not condone such extreme strict parenting, what I feel is that some amount of enforced discipline is required, some amount of choice making for them is required. I know enough people that realize in mid life that they should have pursued some hobbies and could have learnt them better over time. I personally regret not having pursued dancing with more passion and determination and at being very average till date.Some things are better starting young; and most young achievers have their parents to thank because it is equal, if not more effort on part of the parents.For, you may well allow your children to play every single weekend of their entire life, and if they do not discover a passion on their own then they may have nothing to fall back on (meaning as a hobby). Finally, I realized that great achievements need  extreme hard work and I often chastise myself for not working hard enough. Not being excellent at any one thing in life may not be a life well lived. What this requires though is focus and dedication, and that is my take away from the book.
All in all, I do believe that the book is a bold one, as it is not easy to say the things that Amy did, and must be even more difficult to face all the hate directed at you. My take is that there has to be a middle ground -a place in between Amy's super-strict parenting and Western parenting as she describes it.And in this place is my hope to raise my daughter to value both her freedom and excellence (and the hard work it takes).

Childing by Antara Pawar

Including tips and tricks on how to handle your parents

Index

Chapter 1        Thumbsucking like a pro

Including top ten reasons to continue thumbsucking and how to battle parental strategies to get you to stop         

Chapter 2        No does not mean Yes

Understanding why parents expect you to stop doing something when they say ‘No’

Chapter 3        Getting creative with tantrums

Ideas on how to throw effective tantrums to get what you want in under five minutes

Chapter 4        Fussy feeders

Obsessive Parental Feeding Syndrome (OPFS) is more common than we know. Five child experts give their real experiences on how they coped with such parents

Chapter 5        Getting organized

Spreading toys and accessories around the house

Chapter 6        Why diapers are good for you

100 examples of thwarting all potty training attempts –we’ve got them all. Diapers are good!

 

Of Slumdogs and controversies

For some reason I wrote this post years ago and didn't publish it. Perhaps it was unfinished thoughts...

Ok - let me say it. Slumdog Millionaire is a brilliant movie and I loved it! I watched the movie soon as it was released so my opinion was not biased by how many awards it won or the level of recognition its getting worldwide.

The movie weaves the story of a boy around a game show and how he knows the answers to the questions asked on the show. The movie appeals in all departments - acting, music, direction, screenplay and casting. And I say casting because there were actors of all ages in the movie - from the unkown Dev Patel to the well known Anil Kapoor.

Within a day of watching the movie and talking about it to my family, I realized that everyone took away something different from the movie. To me, the life of slum kids and the reality of begging rings in India left a lasting impression and a burning desire to do something to help. Though in the movie, the 'Slumdog' has a fairytale ending, I know that in real life not everyone has a fairytale ending. I left the theatre with a resolve to do something about it. My husband Vikas saw the movie as one of hope. Hope for slum kids to lead a better life. He was impressed by the storytelling and came out feeling hopeful.

While I was still pondering over what people took away from the movie, it started getting showered with praise from across the globe. First came the Golden Globes, then the Critic's awards, the Screen Actors Guild awards and so on. And soon to follow the glory were the brickbats. There were protests and outcry by Indians from all walks of life, condemning India's portrayal as a poor and filthy place. The makers of the movie had to go on a defensive, explaining why they made it, what they intended and why the name shouldn't or couldn't be changed. The press and media were all over it - and there were interviews of not only the cast and crew, but of every person who wanted to have a say about the movie. Even Big B's blog got into the controversy - AGAIN. Personally I think Big B has a right to say what he wants on his blog, it is, afterall, a space for him to express his personal opinions.

By the time the movie released in India, it was mired in all these controversies. This could bode well for the movie, with more people going to the theatres out of curiosity, or it could lose out due to bad publicity. (Though in today's times any publicity is good publicity).

Now what? As an Indian who constantly talks about our culture, habits and lifestyle to anyone who'd care to listen; I empathize to some extent with those who feel the movie is a negative portrayal of India and that there is much more to our country than the poverty and misery of slum life. But at the same time -that wasn't the point the movie was trying to make. It was the story of a boy who came with a traumatic past (his slum life) and utlimately triumphed in his quest for love. If the movie was a documentary about India, we have every right to feel indignant about it. We must learn to appreciate the movie for what it is. It is a great story told with passion and with every element of good cinema present in it.

Isnt it time we grew up and appreciated a meaningful movie , which is a rarity in Bollywood?

My maiden trip to Mumbai

So last Friday, April 27th I made my maiden trip to Mumbai. There - I've said it. Yes, I've never been to Mumbai city all my life! Strange, but true.

The primary purpose of our visit was to catch up with our good old friends from Pittsburgh - Naman, Mithila and their little bundle Vihaan. Mithila and I tracked parallel pregnancies and when she announced she was having a boy, I declared I was having a girl! And so it was. And ever since we two mommies have been planning the big event of our boy and girl meeting each other ... jokes apart, we were eager to see each other and the kids, who are just 6 weeks apart!

After a somewhat eventful morning at the airport (caused by a missed flight!), we landed in Mumbai around noon. Now I'd heard and read about this city, watched it in many a Bollywood film, but decided to go with an open mind, meaning, no expectations either way. So my first impression was - wow, this isn't crowded at all?!? I'd heard horror stories of traffic and congestion but our first stop was to be a 20 min cab ride from the airport. Not bad at all. Along the way I saw dilapidated buildings and normal ones. I couldn't really get a pulse of the city yet. So we reached our destination - an apartment complex at Mallad (East). Then was the thrill and joy of meeting our friends and each other's kids, Antara and Vihaan finally met! We spent a lazy, wonderful day with friends, just catching up and watching our kids ignore each other, playing each on their own. It was still fun, comparing notes, watching their antics and mannerisms. Food kept flowing, as did the conversation, and after a dinner with other guests of our hosts, we retired back to our apartment for the duration of the trip, located amidst a charming group of buildings (Hiranandani gardens) at Powai.Even through my sleepy eyes, I saw that the city seemed alive at night.

The next morning after a relaxed breakfast at the apartment, we hopped into a cab again to the other end of town - Mira road where an old friend of mine just bought her apartment. 'It's Saturday morning so the roads are free', informed our cab driver. Again, it seemed to me not bad at all, I am used to much more traffic on Hyderabad roads. The hot weather and a full stomach made the cab rides ideal to catch up on sleep, though I did try and also catch glimpses of the city when I could. We arrived at my friend's bright new apartment and it was once again food, conversations and watching Antara at play.'If you want to shop at Mumbai, you need 4 days', said my friend and I left with a promise to be back one day on just a shopping trip. We left then to undertake what our friends thought was a brave journey - to the other end of town at Napeansea Road. It was only in a cab, so not a big deal. Admittedly, it was a lot of distance but no real work so I had no complaints. A short nap and then I was woken up to see the Bandra-Worli sea link. This was beautiful. A toll bridge that looked like a mini version of the Tappanzee bridge at NYC, except this was on the sea! It was a gorgeous drive even on a hot summer afternoon. I savoured the view, watching the sea as you ride on the road is new to me, I've only done it on vacations at Vizag before. The ride along Worli seaface was wonderful. We arrived then at our next stop to visit friends who just had a baby. It was something else holding a newborn baby and showing her to Antara, remembering what we did 14 months before. Food and drinks kept flowing and we were treated to the 'best brownies in Mumbai' as claimed by our hosts. I struggled between trying to enjoy the dessert and not feel guilty for having broken my recent discipline of 'no desserts'. The room we spent the evening at had a superb view of the Worli sea and I regret not having taken any pictures, as also of not sitting by the beach even for a few minutes. The day ended with a sleepy cab ride back to Powai with a quick stop by the Gateway of India and The Taj hotel. I saw the decorated, bright and blingy horse carriages - I am told the rides are quite fun actually. And how can I not mention driving on Marine drive - would've been nicer in an own car with our favourite music, but it was still beautiful to see the skyline.

Sunday morning was reserved to meet yet another friend but unfortunately there was a last minute change. We now had the day to ourselves and so decided to get at least some Mumbai experience. We hopped right into a cab and went to the Gateway of India, spotting a few famous and noticeable buildings along the way. Now I must say I was damn impressed with the one-minute-photo guys at the Gateway of India. We went for it - each picture was Rs.30 and it was printed instantly with a color epson printer. I don't know why but that fascinated me. Maybe because I've paid $30 for instant photos on vacations in the US!! We then took a boat ride in the sea - it was quite nice and touristy actually, although a little hot! It was a short, 30 min ride, and getting back we had a beautiful view of the Gateway of India and the Taj hotel. A few pictures later, we asked for directions to the famous Leopold Cafe. Walking toward it, I suddenly chanced upon my cousin brother and family at a bookstore on the pavement. What are the chances!! We would've spent the afternoon catching up but they had tickets to watch The Avengers, so we parted ten minutes later after merely exchanging pleasantries. We managed a table in the ever crowded Leopold Cafe. I'd only known it to be (in?)famous for the shooting 2 years ago, but learned now that it was also the central location for 'Shantaram' - which has been on my reading list for about 2 years now. Food was good, service was quick, and with the little one in tow, we weren't sure we had time for much more. A visit to the Taj hotel would've been nice, but we wanted to get back in plenty of time, so we rode back to Powai. This cabbie turned out to be the most interesting one yet, and as we drove, he gave us a tour of all the famous people's houses along the way - the new Ambani residence, Lata Mangeshkar's house, Raj Kumar's house etc. He also threw in his opinions on the Worli sea, the 100 crore apartments and what not! As if that wasn't enough entertainment, I was quite impressed to see a television screen with movie choices in the cab (Tab Cabs!). So we had '3 idiots' running in the background for the ride back. Our trip was coming to an end, and I was rather happy. We'd met many friends and travelled quite a distance to do so. Maybe this isn't the 'real Mumbai' as a Mumbaikar would see it. But it was something! It was fun, relaxing and a good start.

We will go back for sure as there is much more to see and do. But yes, its a start.

Yes, I do cook!!

Folks who know me well, know that I am not exactly a foodie. I am also a self-confessed 'average' cook. With that background, let me just say that I have impressed myself with my recent culinary skills. Here are some of my mom's recipes that I have successfully made in the past few weeks. I am not very good at accurate measures, most Indians can vary these to suit individual taste. And this is my first time writing recipes, so please....follow only if you are already a good cook and know how to vary measures!!

1. Tomato Rice

Ingredients:

• 4-5 medium sized tomatoes, chopped
• 2 medium sized onions, chopped
• Half a teaspoon diced ginger
• 2-3 garlic cloves chopped
• 3-4 tbsp groundnuts
• 2-3 green chillies
• 1 tbsp garam masala
• Asafoetida -a pinch
• Turmeric -a pinch

For the seasoning:

• 10-12 curry leaves
• 1 tsp mustard seeds
• 1 tsp chana dal
• 2-3 tbsp oil

Others:

• 2 cups raw rice

Method:

Cook the rice in an electric cooker.Heat a tbsp of oil in a pan. Add the groundnuts and allow them to fry for about 2 mins. Add the mustard seeds, chana dal and curry leaves. Spread the cooked rice in a wide plate and put the oil/seasoning over it. Cool for about five minutes. Heat 2 tbsp oil in the pan. Add the onions, garlic, ginger and green chillies. Add the asafoetida and turmeric. Once the onions turn translucent, add the tomatoes and fry until they are done. Add salt and garam masala and cook for another minute or two and set aside to cool. Mix the oil/seasoning and the cooked rice with your hand. (This helps spread the oil over the rice). Now add the cooked tomatoes mixture to the rice and mix well.

I absolutely love this easy and simple recipe and it almost never fails. Can be eaten with plain yogurt/raita.

2. Mukkala pulusu/ Sweet vegetable and lentil stew

Ingredients:

About 4 cups of cooked vegetables. The more varied, the better:

• Onions
• Tomatoes
• Yellow pumpkin
• Bottle gourd
• Okra
• Carrots
• Sweet potato (optional)
• French beans (optional)
• Drumsticks- according to taste/preference

For the masala:

• Fenugreek Seeds ( 1 measure)
• Mustard seeds (3/4 measure)
• 2-3 red chillies (or according to desired spice level)

The recipe requires about 2 tbsp of the masala

For the seasoning:

• 2 tbsp oil
• 1 tsp mustard seeds
• 1 tsp cumin seeds
• 8-10 curry leaves

Others:

• Asafoetida -a pinch
• Turmeric -a pinch
• Tamarind - a small ball sized piece
• Jaggery/Gur- 3 tbsp shavings
• 1 cup cooked tur dal
• Salt to taste

Method:

Roast the fenugreek seeds on a low flame until you can smell the aroma. Once they are done, add the mustard seeds and roast. Finally, add the red chillies and roast. Let this cool for about ten minutes and grind to a fine powder. I used about 50 gms of fenugreek seeds to make the powder and store it for use in other recipes. Cook the tur dal with salt and keep aside. Chop all the vegetables and pressure cook for about two whistles. Ensure that the vegetables dont get mashed, you need them to be cooked but not mashed. Microwave the tamarind in water and extract tamarind water. Heat oil in a wide bottomed vessel. Add the mustard seeds, once they splutter, add the cumin seeds, curry leaves. Add the asafoetida and turmeric. Now add the cooked vegetables along with the water in which they are cooked. Add more water to achieve desired consistency described below. Add salt and the prepared masala and let it simmer for about 5 mins. Now add the cooked dal, the tamarind water and the gur (I dont follow any particular order!) Adjust the salt/spice/sweetness level according to individual taste. Sugar may be used in place of jaggery. Red chilly powder can be added for those who like additional spice. More tamarind water can be added for those who like a tangy taste. The consistency should of this should be slightly watery, so add more water and let it boil for about five minutes for all the flavours to mix.

Tastes absolutely great with rice and papads. I made this on Monday and savoured it...especially considering the amount of time and effort it takes to make :))

An ode to the maids

Upon announcing my move back to India, one of the first things that my many Indian friends said was 'We'll envy you, you'd have a maid, a cook and a driver!'. Frankly I had'nt given that much of a thought. Difficult as it may be to do everything ourselves in the US, I seemed ok with it. One of the main reasons is that I don't like all the things you have to do to 'maintain' the servants. You have to be kind, yet strict, you have to watch them and yet trust them, you have to confront them and befriend them. Seemed like too much work. Of course we cannot escape the fact that one cannot do everything in India, there's too much dust, we don't have dishwashers, we don't have clothes dryers and the whole set up is different. So it is a necessity, more than anything. For now I don't consider a cook or a driver a necessity, I am going to learn how to deal with one help at home.

And so of course, having finally arrived at our new home at Bangalore, I've engaged a maid. It's only the second day and I am wondering about their class of society, about their lives. My maid's story is not different from what most of us already know - an alcoholic, wife-beating husband; the household mostly running on her own income; a loveless marriage; the 'other woman'; yes - all the ingredients of a 70's movie in India. But this is no movie, this is their life! And today in 2010 when we as a country have made so much progress, what hope do these people have? I always see education as the only saviour and most of the maids I've seen are always keen on having their kids educated. But household help is necessary in India. I wish there was some sort of a co-operative society (not a union, mind you), where these women get trained and there are some ground rules on where and how they should work, organized housekeeping, so to speak. And a moral support group, so that they dont continue putting up with at least the physical abuse. Not all of the servants have good work ethic, so its hard to sympathize with them sometimes, but when I think of their lives vis-a-vis ours, it feels like life or fate or whatever the higher power is, has been unfair to them. Somehow, one almost feels guilty for being priveleged and well-off in India. There's no escape. We can get a car and only move from home to a mall to a fancy restaurant. But can we ignore everything we see along the way? The beggars at the traffic signals, who, of course, I do not encourage....all the uneducated and underprivileged you see everywhere on the streets....just tugs at my heart and confuses me. I do not know what my role is, whether I will do something or not, but I just go through a rush of emotions when I think of some of their lives, I wish I can give them hope and that their lives get better over the years. And that's one of the reasons why I wanted to escape even dealing with them, I wanted to escape the guilt......and I wonder when I think that I am a strong woman, for I see these women who endure so much more and support their entire families. Yes, these maids, they are strong women!!!

Aisha -movie review

Alright, I saw the promos and I was taken by Sonam Kapoor's sense of style. The movie also stars Abhay Deol, who's a really good actor. So when my mom suggested we watch the movie, I was all game for it.

The movie is about, well, Sonam Kapoor, who plays a rich, spoiled girl named Aisha. Aisha does whatever she wants to, with daddy dear paying the credit card bills. Early in the movie a typical 'behenji' named Shefali is entrusted to her, and Aisha makes over Shefali, quite succesfully. The repartee's between Aisha and Arjun (Abhay Deol) make the most interesting part of the movie. Aisha is childish and Arjun is wise and charming. Now Aisha moves around with Shefali, and another friend Pinky, and is on a mission to match make Shefali with Ranbir Gambhir, a funny, irritating guy, a typical Delhi businessman. Ranbir has feelings for Aisha and she feels sorry for him. Arjun makes fun of Aisha's attempts at 'social work' aka 'match making'. Other characters enter the movie, and with after its many twists and turns and different pairings, the two main characters Aisha and Arjun realize their love for each other in the end. This is a light hearted romantic comedy of sorts, with a little bit of everything - masala, entertainment, comedy, visual treats and hummable music.
In the acting department, I think this is Sonam Kapoor's best yet. And yes, again, her choice of clothes and styles in the movie is very European, very chic. Abhay Deol always impresses with his honest acting abilities, be it a rich spoiled kid in 'Socha na tha' or a conman/thief in 'Oye Lucky Lucky Oye'.
Among the songs, I like the title song 'Suno Aisha', during which the girls shop at name brand stores and generally get dolled up. Its peppy and hey, who doesnt like to watch makeovers? 'Gal mithi mithi bol' is surely gonna be a popular dance song, although its at the very end of the movie.'Behke behke' is your typical 'Salsa' music with good choreography.

All in all,Aisha is an entertaining and delightful movie, perfect for a girl's night in.